You should go to LA! You should definitely not go to LA.

Explicit Content Warning – The following is satirical and should not be taken seriously.

There’s something majestic about the American West. Something beautiful, something sprawling for 4,751 square miles: Los Angeles County, California. Over spring break I went to Los Angeles to visit friends and attend my buddy’s Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) graduation ceremony. It was my first time going to this wonderful, polluted, strange, almost alien land. The following are my experiences in Los Angeles.

FOOD:

Because really, why else should you even visit LA? On my trip I went to some of the staples: Carl’s Jr., In-N-Out, some local spots (mexican, food trucks, etc), and genuine Korean Barbeque. Forget what people may say; Carl’s Jr is completely mediocre and left me wanting some real fast food. In-N-Out is the real deal. Go with someone who knows how to order, as most of the In-N-Out menu items are not listed publicly. The same advice kind of holds true for any reputable Korean Barbeque restaurant: Go with someone who knows expressly what to order, how to order it, and the etiquette expected of patrons there.

This pile of beef is only the tip of the Korean Barbeque iceberg.

What kind of etiquette am I referencing? Well you’re kind of expected to eat and get the fuck out within two hours. You order from a specific menu for a flat price (we chose the A-menu), and while it’s all you can eat for that set price, they do not want you trying to get to your fighting weight in a single day there. Around an hour in, they stop coming to your table as often; they even start helping you grill the meat faster. Around an hour-and-a-half, they stop bringing you new food items, even if they ask you if you want anything (they really just want you to leave).

Anyways, if you go to LA, prepare to eat.

I accidentally ordered double egg, double bacon, and double everything on a double burger. I am sorry.

TRAFFIC:

Many of us here at SVC are familiar with a certain Massachusetts style of driving (I’m sure we’re all aware of what rhymes with asshole). This will not prepare you at all for what happens on freeways in LA. Between accidents and general slowdowns due to traffic, nobody goes anywhere quickly in LA. It’s just an accepted fact of life that you’re going to spend a lot of time in your car, if only to go five or ten miles. It is ridiculous to think that people actually live this way!

Now, the actual driving itself is not something I was subjected to. Unfortunately, that meant I had to be co-pilot and navigator most of the time, which means trying to make sense of what the  GPS is trying to have you accomplish in LA (three-to-four U-turns per trip is about the average). While trying to make sense of the LA hieroglyphics, you are also expected to help your driver fight the hordes of other drivers. This video is a scientifically based and accurate depiction of what happens on the 405 Freeway in LA, from approximately the dawn of time until you arrive home. Somewhere in this mess are the California Highway Patrol members, waiting patiently to do nothing and/or fuck up your shit.

Oh yeah, I almost got into a pile-up when we got rear ended going 75, but that’s neither here nor there. Whatever you do, do not drive in LA.

HUMANS:

Customer service is not in the vocabulary of Los Angeles residents. In fact, do not mention it while in LA. Everyone hates you in LA. They are not the assholes or the asshole drivers, no, it is you. It’s like they could smell that you’re from out of town – they hate the smell of you.

“Where is Southern Vermont College?” asks a seemingly friendly waitress… I had to first explain that Vermont was a state in the United States of America. Vermont is not in Canada. I also had to assure her that we have colleges there too, just like California. I was happy to answer their next inspired question: “Why are you here?”

Whatever, bring me my beer and burger. And you know what else? West Coast beer sucks. Vermont beer is king. This place is an alien Communist dystopia. USA, USA, USA!

CONCLUSIONS:

My buddy who graduated from the LAPD Academy had his first patrol on the Sunday that I was flying out. He had to wrestle a man on meth, who was naked and covered in God knows what, who was locked in a small residential bathroom trying to attack the unlucky officers who got the call with a folding chair. This is what happens when you do methamphetamines. You try to fight the law, and they end up whooping your ass in a bathroom. God bless those poor officers, and my rookie friend who was told “get in there, probie.”
I am not sorry to the Los Angeles natives reading this that I have offended. While I enjoyed my visit and the time I spent with my friends, your city is like an alien planet to me. Maybe it’s my small, Vermont, nature – maybe driving in your city is traumatic. Either way, you were cool LA. But I’m glad I’m back in real America.