About the Author:

Takiyah Douglas (Creative Writing, Class of 2018) hopes to turn her love of writing into a career one day. Her best friend is food and her favorite opera is Trapped in the Closet.  She can be found locked in her room creating play scripts, short stories and, very rarely, poems.

Warning:  This piece contains explicit content (swearing) and may not be suitable for all audiences.

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Girl Cheat Code

By Takiyah Douglas

Sometimes guys can be a bit clueless and hopeless when it comes to the female mind. We’re complicated, emotionally intelligent, and downright insane. And that’s what makes us rock. Here’s a few tips to help you out that might make your relationship a bit easier. Remember, all women aren’t the same, so please use these tips at your own risk.

DO NOT not get anything/do nothing

If you suck at picking out gifts, just know that it’s okay. There are other things you can do for the girl in your life such as paying for something or cooking dinner for her. Perhaps plan months in advance from the occasion and ask her what she would like to get as a gift. Also, save some money for the occasion if you know it’s coming up; that way you can be prepared.

“I’m fine.”

Your alarms should be going off at this one. There is no way in Hell your girlfriend is fine and you better find out what’s wrong before she kills you for not asking her what’s up. Also, if she uses this phrase, chances are YOU are what’s wrong. Proceed with caution.

Your girlfriend is asking if you think a certain girl is cute.

This is a fucking trap. Please don’t fall for it; the hit you’ll take from it will be devastating. Understand that your girlfriend is testing you and is probably comparing herself to the other girl. She’s hoping you don’t say something like Oh yeah, she’s fine as hell. Simply offering a She’s alright or acting disinterested will help you avoid a tragedy.

“I just find it funny how…”

Hold the fuck on, buddy, she’s about to unleash why she’s mad at you going at the speed of 75 miles per word. Do not try to interrupt, do not make any sudden movements, and please do not feed the rapid animal ready to tear you a new ass. She doesn’t want food at the moment, she’s too busy thirsting after your blood. Just listen and let her get it all out so you can explain yourself.

“Oh no, you don’t have to get me something.”

I will personally smack you if you actually do not get your girlfriend something. This phrase is not genuine and she’s saying this so she doesn’t look like a spoiled, material bitch. She really wants you to get her something because it would mean a lot. Girls love when guys go out and personally pick out something just for her.

Just tell her

If you did something, it’s better to be brutally honest. It will hurt when finding out your significant other may have betrayed your trust, but it’s better than hearing it from someone else or finding out themselves — it will just make the situation worse for both of you. By telling her yourself, there’s a chance of working things out. Can’t guarantee she won’t throw your PS4 out the window though.

“What did you say?”

Pause. The next thing that comes out of your mouth may or may not cost you your life. When your girlfriend says this, rest assured she heard you. Loud and clear, too. She’s just asking you this question because she’s giving you a chance to back peddle and change what you said before she choke slams you.

“Does this make my ass look fat?”

YES. Tell her she has the fattest ass on Earth. Tell her that ass can give young children piggyback rides. Bounce a quarter off of that ass too for extra measure. Butts are a huge (see what I did there) thing right now in our culture, so she’ll probably take it as a compliment. All women aren’t the same though, so be careful not to offend. No one wants to be compared to Kim K’s fake ass.

Copyright © Takiyah Douglas (2016) All Rights Reserved.