About the Author:

Takiyah Douglas (Creative Writing, Class of 2018) hopes to turn her love of writing into a career one day. Her best friend is food and her favorite opera is Trapped in the Closet.  She can be found locked in her room creating play scripts, short stories and, very rarely, poems.

Warning:  This piece contains explicit content (profanity) and may not be suitable for all audiences.

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Ways to Make Money in College

By Takiyah Douglas

Start up a lemonade stand

Every child in a kids’ movie always made a week’s worth of candy money off of this idea and it will surely work for you. Let’s be honest though. Those children got customers because the adults felt bad for them and thought it was cute as hell. There’s always going to be some baby face freshmen walking around campus, so kidnap them and make them work at your stand to bring that profit in. Make sure to go for someone who looks like they’re 11.

Sell baked goods

Who can resist a tasty, gooey chocolate chip cookie? Baked goods are probably the doorway to ecstasy and the equivilant to crack. Some of us can’t help but set fire to the kitchen just by being in it, so it might be ideal to have some help. Look for maple trees with the letter “K” carved into it. If you knock twice and do the dougie, you’ll gain entrance to one of the Keebler elves secret base. They’ll be happy to bake for you as long as you sign a contract giving up your soul to them like you did for your college education.

Suck up to the folks at the financial aid office

The financial aid office is the enemy of every college student, but in this case you’ll have to make amends. We all know how stingy the office can be when handing out financial aid to students and how their packages barely cover college tuition, so you’re going to have to really sucker more money out of them. Begging is always an option, but with how cold hearted they are, tears probably won’t work on them. You might have to be a hitman for them and assassinate  their competition.

Make a living on the black market

This may be a little extreme, but so is the debt you will incur during your four years of college. It’s really easy to get things to sell on the black market. You could sell the Twinkie before 2012, Martin Shkreli’s Wu Tang album worth 2 million (you’d have to steal that), or your roommate’s organs.

Become a stripper

Shake what yo’ mama gave ya! Morals? Who needs those when you’re racking up that 40,000 dollar debt? But listen, if you don’t mind paying your bills with, like, five billion singles, the stripper life could be for you. You get to twerk your ass to Lil Boosie’s “Wipe Me Down” and down a bottle of Patron after your shift is done. Plus, you’ll form new bonds with the other strippers. Magic Mike on them bitches!

Become ‘The Plug’

This position has great potential to become a career. You could be the next Tony Montana or El Chapo, and your tuition would be paying you. Everyone would be working under your orders and no one would even move without your say. Pretty soon, you’ll be transporting goods via submarine and sending your goons to eliminate intergalactic competition in the galaxy next door. You might just even take over the universe and abolish college expenses.

Get a job, dumb ass

You could just get a normal job. Lots of places are looking for students to be cashiers and make delicious McDonalds fries. There’s also the guarantee of a weekly (or bi-weekly) paycheck, and there’s no worries of getting arrested, car chases, holding hostages, transporting drugs, using blackmail, torturing enemies, and severing limbs.

Copyright © Takiyah Douglas (2016) All Rights Reserved.