About the Author:

Takiyah Douglas (Creative Writing, Class of 2018) hopes to turn her love of writing into a career one day. Her best friend is food and her favorite opera is Trapped in the Closet.  She can be found locked in her room creating play scripts, short stories and very rarely, poems.

WARNING: This piece contains explicit content (profanity) and may not be appropriate for all audiences.

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Types of Coworkers

by Takiyah Douglas

What can we say about coworkers? They can be your best friends or worst enemies. Their personalities can vary from person to person, providing unique experiences in the workplace. Below is a list of the type of coworkers that are seen at jobs. Are any of these familiar to you?

The Bully

Like any other bully, this person’s objective is to make themselves feel better and antagonize you. In a work environment, they’ll try to screw you up or find any fault that can be reported. They don’t want you at the workplace and will go as far as verbally arguing with you to get a reaction. Beware of this asshole.

The Know-It-All

This coworker seems to know how to do your job, the group lead’s, the CEO’s, and your mom’s who doesn’t even work at the same place. The will constantly remind you to do certain stuff that you already learned two years ago.

The Overachiever

Have you ever met someone who really cares about their job? No, not their career, their stupid nine-to-five job at Kmart. Extra can’t even be a good enough word to describe this person. They will go above, beyond, and out of the Earth’s orbit for their job, when it’s so unnecessary. Oh, and they always may seem perky as hell. But in the inside, they’re tired as shit for expending extra energy for no reason.

The Person Always Coughing

There’s a worry that you might catch every sickness known to mankind just by looking at this person. They’re like Medusa, except you end up with snot coming out of your nose and a major stuffed up head. You can always pinpoint where they are by the unique sound of their lungs expelling air.

The Food Runner

Bless this coworker, they are the reason why you have not died on the job yet due to starvation. Be it McDonalds, KFC, or Le Grand Véfour in France, they’ll go there for you. On a side note, this person has the ability to get everyone’s order right and bring back food for like 50 people.

The Chameleon

The name basically explains this coworker. They blend in the work environment so well, and this results in them never getting in trouble nor getting promoted. They’re just there, like air. We know they work with us, but we never see them.

The Kiss Ass

Sometimes you just want to smack this person. They’ll do anything to get on the boss’s good side and that includes reporting everything to them. Chewing gum? He’ll know. Scratching your ass? You bet your boss will know what hand was used and what cheek was itching.

The Ace

This is the MVP! They deserve a shout out every time you get on the radio for doing their job and not pissing everyone off. They’re a major people’s person and can diffuse any tense situation, even the kind spent playing Uno. This coworker is very dependable, so you never have to worry about them slacking off.

The All-Up-In-Yo’-Business

You don’t know how or when, but this person knows your business before you do! Maybe they have connections to the FBI or perhaps they follow you home, watching you during your personal time, but they know. And then they time EVERYBODY. So watch out, keep your business under wraps or you will be exposed.

Copyright © Takiyah Douglas (2016) All Rights Reserved.