Disclaimer: These facts are only partly based on truth. Take them with a grain of salt.

#1. My favorite drink is orange juice, freshly squeezed. Although the taste is wonderful, the real reason is that the imagined screams of the poor, innocent oranges is a treat of its own.

#2. I am incorruptible. This is because the sheer depths of horror that dwell within my head are already so nefarious that trying to make them any worse is like dropping mud in a river of oil.

#3. I unironically dream of world domination. However, the universe itself realizes that such a thing would be the worst possible thing for the entire world. The sheer level of indiscriminate ruin that I would bring about would be legendary. Thus, I was born lazy.

#4. I really want to learn the saxophone. My dream scenario involves getting into a heated sax-battle on the Metro North. Preferably to the death.

#5. I don’t smoke; not because of any concern for my health, but because I don’t trust myself with fire.