Simon Sez – “A Quiet Place” Review

Simon Sez - A Quiet Place Review

As an aspiring writer of horror-fiction, one of my most favored past times consists of watching and analyzing creative works of the horror genre; generally, I do this in hopes of learning a thing or two from my more experienced predecessors. However, there are times — often in horror movies as opposed to the literary kind — where I just can’t help but face palm as what can only be described as actual nonsense unfolds before my poor, sensitive eyes.

See, I have this rather cumbersome allergy to bullshit, and I’m not quite sure if it’s a matter of lazy producers, or if there’s something special about horror movies that make the writers degenerate into a bunch of neanderthals. Nevertheless, it seems as though it takes a special kind of artist to create a horror movie script that doesn’t leave me reeling in disbelief; the most prominent and consistent thought of “How can anything be this bad,” generally the first and loudest voice to pervade through my head.

I don’t know what’s more impressive: that a movie can be so bad as to elicit such a reaction, or that an entire genre seems to be so proficient at producing such hot garbage that I tend to have that very thought, more often than not. Or, perhaps most striking, is the fact that after over a decade of indulging in this habit, I still manage to find myself utterly dumbfounded by how ridiculous some of these movie plots can get.

Enter: A Quiet Place (2018).

This is a movie that had everything it needed to make for a glorious example of what horror-fiction should be. In a world where every action one makes must be done in silence, it has the potential to create a special kind of atmosphere that you simply can’t just conjure up. It’s the kind of spine-chilling suspense that has an entire movie theater dead quiet, as this story unfolds –and believe me, you really could’ve heard a pin drop. The idea of monsters that respond violently to sound creates a premise that expands into a gnawing realization that nowhere is safe. In a world where the slightest sound can mean the death of you, it’s entirely possible that one creaky floorboard can turn your best of friends, into your new biggest problem. The sheer level of psychological back flips John Krasinski could’ve thrown us for was marvelous. What we got, however, was a bit of a let down. Let’s break it down:

Spoiler Alert

The movie is one that doesn’t pull any punches. We start with the Abbott family, scavenging in a ghost town, remnants of what might’ve been a busy place, prior to the crash landing/assault of our resident auditory murder-thingies. The youngest of the family, Beau, falls in love with a space shuttle toy, but his father takes it since he likes his son, not as a smear on the walls or trees. Beau’s sibling, Regan secretly gives him back the toy, unknowing of the danger it poses, since, well… she’s deaf. When Beau activates the toy shortly after on their way home, one of the nearby monsters rolls up and whacks the kid for disturbing its Sunday morning with that awful cacophony. As it would turn out, watching your brother be brutally killed because of a mistake you made tends to have negative psychological effects on young people. Ah, childhood trauma; my favorite.

The takeaway though is that we establish several things right from the first few minutes of the story. First being that something must’ve happened to leave the town deserted; second being that silence is golden, leaving us to imagine some kind of post apocalyptic world where being loud gets you killed with extreme prejudice. This is good, since it establishes the ‘rules’ of the movie right from the start; it even does so without any kind of dialogue, which is fairly impressive.

However, this is also bad in several ways. The first being that the unfortunate side effect of revealing these monsters early on, however briefly, leaves little to the imagination in regards to what the danger actually is. Often times, the mere knowledge that something is threatening our characters is far more unsettling than the knowledge of what this something actually is. I feel as though this is one of those moments. Our familiarity with the danger of the story effectively drains the tension because we know exactly what the danger is, and what it’s capable of.

Another issue that arises is the fact that this family was more or less able to navigate their way to and from the town unmolested, only being in any kind of danger when 4 year old Beau who doesn’t know any better, goes and makes a crap-ton of noise, unaware of the dangers. For the rest of the family, whom are old enough to understand, there isn’t any real threat, so long as they keep doing what they’re doing. This is even further cemented as we realize that this family was able to survive over a year with 3 of these creatures practically living on their farm, without any other noteworthy complications. The issue with a time skip is that it implies that nothing important has happened since the previous scene, which frankly sucked all of the tension that had been building right out of me. Why? Because the Abbott family somehow survived a whole year on a freaking farm — seriously, have you ever tried to quietly manage any kinds of crops? If you have, you will know that this family should have been dead as soon as they ran out of food. Doubly so, with a deaf child who can’t know when — not ‘if’ — she makes any kind of noise.

This is especially annoying to think about when you realize that this family, after being able to pull off all kinds of shenanigans over the course of a whole bloody year without getting a one way ticket to the bone zone, managed to somehow screw up enough, over the course of a day or so, to get utterly smashed by the evil space doggos.

But let’s assume that they were just incredibly lucky; let’s assume for a moment that the Abbott family were capable of surviving this veritable hell zone via a combination of obscure circumstances that left them immune to the murderous ministrations of our resident resonance-bashing space puppers — or whatever they are. Then, we have to acknowledge the next issue: the Abbott family, knowing of just how absurdly sensitive to sound these things are, decide that having a baby is the most intelligent decision that they can make. Hey, I can understand the desire for physical comfort in a time where any minute could be your last, but a baby!? A needy, screaming little shit machine. Are these people out of their minds?

To their credit, they at least were forward-thinking enough to create a soundproofed room to care for the baby in. But considering the fact that their best plan seemed to involve stowing away said tiny menace in a box with air holes whenever our antagonists came by, I’m not quite sure they really understood the potential ramifications of having a baby in this world. I’m no expert, but my understanding is that childbirth freaking sucks, by the way. How did they intend for the mother to have that baby, quietly? For that matter, how did they manage to put together an entire soundproofed room without making any noise? The walls were laden with mattresses, among other things, and I find it hard to believe that they casually managed to do all of that heavy lifting with no complications to speak of.

Next on the chopping block were the monsters, themselves. Ridiculously fast, virtually indestructible noodle-armed jerk-bags that apparently don’t need food, rest, or oxygen, and attack anything that makes even the slightest auditory disturbance. It’s a nine year old’s wet dream. But for someone like me, who loves poking holes in just about everything… well, it’s still a figurative wet dream; for entirely different reasons, though.

Firstly, these creatures are completely blind, leading me to believe that these aliens thrived on a planet with little to no light.. With this in mind, I find it immensely difficult to believe that the heat of our sun, which provides tons of light, didn’t just roast these creatures on the way here. If nothing else, they should be suffering from a perpetual sunburn from all of the UV exposure that they’ve evolved to be unused to. Maybe that’s why they’re always so irritable?

Secondly, it’s actually laughable to think that all of the military forces across the world couldn’t figure out the weaknesses of our resident auditory annihilators, but a housewife, recently pregnant, could do so with the help of a dysfunctional hearing aid. I don’t even know if that’s a credit to her, or just a jab at the incompetence of our government. Either way, it makes no sense. I could’ve told you the weakness of these monsters by the time little Beau got made into twos. When you throw a large monster with super hearing and adjustable armor plating on its skull and ears at anyone with any kind of problem solving skills, it becomes obvious that they’d be vulnerable to certain pitches of noise. Have you ever seen a dog react to a dog whistle? It’s the same concept, but with a higher pitch and deadly consequences. How did the U.S government not figure that out before they were all eradicated? Is common sense a thing of the past, in 2020?

Lastly, and somehow more damning than the previous thought, is the fact that these monsters seem to be awfully selective of what qualifies as too much noise and what doesn’t. When the simple act of stepping on a dry leaf is enough to alert these guys from literal miles away, you’d think the sound of your heart in your throat would have them barreling down on you with a family-sized can of whoop-ass in hand. Especially when that’s the only other sound around. But the plot wouldn’t move forward if everyone’s dead, I suppose. So the rules are broken, constantly, to make it happen.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate this movie. In a room full of hot garbage, this one is at least of the shiny variety. It doesn’t stand up well to scrutiny, and breaks its own rules when convenient — which is a big no-no — but the concept is fresh, and it certainly had a lot of potential. I would tentatively recommend this movie, not if you’re looking for an actual horror movie, but definitely if you’re looking for a thriller. I think the story would’ve benefited a lot more from not being so placed so long after the initial invasion. I would’ve loved to see how people learn about and adapt to these creatures’ capabilities and weaknesses shortly after they appeared. I especially would’ve loved to, ironically, see less of the monsters. I felt as though being so familiar with them just ruined any chance of making the movie into any kind of noteworthy horror. I couldn’t take them seriously when I was too busy theory crafting ways to kill them.

 

Verdict: It’s worth the money if you have nothing better to do.