Living with other people is difficult. This is especially challenging when you appreciate having your own space, and some uncivilized mouth breather keeps disrespecting your boundaries. The easy solution is to catch them in a dark alley, play some DMX, and beat them to a soundtrack. That said, assault is heavily frowned upon –murder slightly more so–, so that avenue has a whole lot of ‘nope’ to be had.

That said, there have to be reasonable solutions to a belligerent neighbor with a severe case of ‘no propriety’ —I’m afraid it’s terminal. I did a lot of soul searching and came to a rather definitive understanding. Eradicating your neighbor with extreme prejudice is morally obscure; almost as morally obscure as that actual degenerate breathing the same air as me… I may be projecting a bit. Regardless, if murder isn’t ideal, and talking doesn’t work, the only reasonable solution is passive aggressiveness and a lot of revenge, because screw being mature. With all of that in mind, let’s talk about all of the things your neighbor should have considered so as to avoid your hypothetical ire. If you are said neighbor and you’re doing any of these things, apologize promptly and never do it again (You truly don’t understand how close you are to having your house burnt down; you’ll have it coming, too).

1. When lights go black, shut your trap. Contrary to popular belief, not every college student is some party-going deviant. Actually, most of us quite enjoy sleep,. In fact, I personally enjoy being able to go to sleep early so I can wake up and not feel like burning down an orphanage. So when it’s 4AM on a weekday and my suitemate is still speaking at max volume, I un-ironically want to see said person hit with ten buses and a unicycle. Do yourself and your neighbor a solid, and shut up. I guarantee  that you’re not that interesting.

2. Clean up after yourself, you degenerate pig-swine. In what world is it acceptable to expect another person to clean up after you? What kind of mongoloid rock chompers bred to create the animal that makes a mess of the bathroom and then doesn’t even have the decency to clean it? I personally find it rather degrading to have to clean up after another person (and if I have to wipe things off the freaking floor one more time, I’m going to flip).

3. Keep your hands to yourself, knuckle draggers. We notice when our stuff has been touched, moved around, or even worse, used. There’s no greater feeling of revulsion than coming home for a relaxing shower and knowing immediately that some unsanitary mongrel has used my towel!! Do us all a favor, and don’t use other people’s things without asking..