Ever wonder as a kid what Green Eggs and Ham was really about? Torrey Kurtzner attempts to find the answer as he decodes that and six other popular books from Dr. Seuss.

About the Artist:  Torrey Kurtzner (Undeclared, Class of 2018) writes mostly satirical humor pieces, inspired throughout his life by television shows like The Simpsons, Seinfeld and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  In the future he would love to write comedic screenplays for movies, sketches or television shows.  One of his biggest dreams is to both write and adapt a sketch for Saturday Night Live (SNL).

Warning: This piece contains explicit content (profanity) and may not be suitable for all audiences.

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Dr. Seuss Decoded

By Torrey Kurtzner

The Cat in the Hat:

Two bratty kids are bored. They sit inside a house. It’s raining outside. They don’t own raincoats.

Suddenly, a talking cat walks in their house, makes a mess, and then cleans everything up before bailing. Despite all the commotion, the kids had some fun.

There was also a talking fish. He was a prick.

Horton Hears a Who:

An elephant has excellent hearing because of his big ears and because he is an elephant. His animal friends can’t hear as well as he can, because they are not elephants.

One day, he claims to hear a society on a speck of dust. His animal friends think he is lying, and that he is a crazy piece of shit. After some mild hostilities, they settle their differences.

The Who’s were heard by all.

The Grinch:

The Grinch doesn’t like Christmas.

The Grinch really doesn’t like Christmas.

The Grinch HATES Christmas.

The Grinch steals Christmas.

The Grinch suddenly likes Christmas.

Why? Fuck you, that’s why.

The Cat and the Hat Comes Back:

The Cat in the Hat literally goes back to the same two kids and their prick of a talking fish, only this time; it’s snowing instead of raining- and the kids don’t own snow coats.

There is a mess; the Cat cleans it up before the mom gets home, and then bails on the kids. He promises to return someday, but to my knowledge, never does.

What an arrogant piece of shit.

Hop on Pop:

Two children (who are depicted as bears) learn basic phonic concepts by doing a variety of tasks, such as stomping on their father’s stomach.

Written in 1963 with the tagline “The Simplest Seuss for Youngest Use,” the book went on to inspire years of parental abuse.

Green Eggs and Ham:

A manipulative sleaze-ball that won’t take no for an answer, Sam-I-Am is on a quest to force an unnamed creature wearing a hat to try rotten eggs and ham. After numerous attempts, the unnamed creature wearing a hat finally gives in and tries the dish, and to his surprise, finds the meal to be passable, thus making the manipulative Sam-I-Am the “hero.”

Written in 1960, the book inspired children everywhere to reject the phrase “no thank you” when said by their friends and family.

The Foot Book:

Probably (and hopefully) due to lack of creative ideas, Dr. Seuss phoned it in with this “children’s book” in 1968, which may or may not have given birth to the concept of foot fetish.

There’s no plot here; just lots of pictures of feet… Genius.

Copyright © Torrey Kurtzner (2016) All Rights Reserved.