Isn’t it weird that fairytale characters marry each other after one meeting?

About the Author: Takiyah Douglas (Creative Writing, Class of 2018) hopes to turn her love of writing into a career one day. Her best friend is food and her favorite opera is Trapped in the Closet.  She can be found locked her in room creating play scripts, short stories and, very rarely, poems.

Warning: This piece contains explicit content (profanity, sexual themes, violence) and may not be suitable for all audiences.

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My Dearest “Love”

by Takiyah Douglas

Scene Begins

A handsome, young man and his majestic steed gallop through a forest at top speed. His face contains a huge grin and his body fidgets in excitement.

Charming: Oh boy, oh boy! Golly, I just can’t contain my excitement!

Seeing a castle ahead, Charming stops his horse, Omarion.  

Charming: Whoa there, boy! Don’t want to fly pass the place now, do we?

Hopping off his horse, Charming pushes through the wooden, double doors. He climbs the stairs, two at a time, until he finally reaches the top floor.

Charming: [Reaches into his pocket and eats a breath mint.] Green-eyed beauty, here I come.

Kicking open the door, he proudly strolls up to the bed and gazes down at the work of art who put the lavish decor of the room to shame. Lying peacefully before him, was a young woman with raven-colored hair and an adorable button nose. Her dimples reminded Charming of gumdrops while her long eyelashes casted shadows across her high cheek bones.  Leaning forward, Charming obnoxiously puckers his lips and places a sloppy kiss upon her mouth.  Right away, the princess’s eyes open, and as she sees Charming, she smiles.

Charming: My beautiful flower! I am your savior who has kept you from another decade of sleep. You, my angel, shall make me king once we join in holy matrimony. We will indeed live happily ever after. [Snaps his fingers] Oh, but do just give me a moment. [Takes out cell phone] I just installed this Marry Me app. Very convenient for situations like this. [Mutters] Alright. [Pause] Argh, why don’t you load already. [Pause, then to the princess] I swear these things are just dreadful at times. Ah! There we go! We are officially married now, my love. Oh, by the way, don’t be frightened by the unfamiliar name on the marriage certificate. I don’t know what yours is, so I just made one up. Daffodil is alright, yes? Yes, of course it is alright. I think I’ll call you that from now on, dear.

The beautiful woman once again smiles at him, before throwing her pillow at Charming’s face.

Princess: Where the fuck are my roses?

Charming: [Blinks rapidly] Excuse me, my love?

Princess: I said where the fuck are my roses? You don’t expect me to wake up from an eternal sleep and not have a huge ass bouquet of roses? Don’t tell me you’re some cheap ass mofo. Also, Daffodil? Fuck kind of name is that? All weak and shit.

Charming: [Stutters] I’m-I’m sorry, my love. I didn’t think of that. How careless of me.

Princess: Damn right how careless of you.  Also, what do you even do? I’m looking for an accountant. You know, someone making the big bucks. I don’t need any broke ass scrubs. Shit, times are tough out here. It’s a recession. Got a girl out here contemplating on being The Plug.

Charming: [Laughs nervously] I am a prince. I assure you princess, you will be taken care of quite well. I am pretty wealthy you know. My kingdom is filled with the most precious gems and silks this side of the world has ever seen. But when I do become king, we will have even much more, Daffodil .

Princess: Didn’t I say not to call me that stupid ass name? [Snorts] And did you make that money? [Rolls eyes] I want a man, not a boy who depends on his daddy’s cash. Whatchu gonna do when yo’ daddy got a rebellion going on and he gets overthrown? You better have some secret Swiss bank account in Cambodia or something before you go from prince, to broke ass bitch. You seriously need to get it right. You must be out of your mind if you think I’m letting some little boy hit this. My kingdom is Compton and my people don’t play that shit. We independent as fuck. Shit, when I was two, I was even changing my own diaper. Mhm. I just can’t have no bitch ass man.

Charming: [Eye twitches] But my love-

Princess: But my love my ass! What do you think this is? I’m not easy! I expect to be swept off my feet by a man with his own car, job, and money. But what you got?  [Looks out window] Is that a horse? Did you really ride a horse all the way here? You know you have to take the highway to get here right?  Who uses horses anymore anyway? Flipping medieval looking ass. (Scoffs) and you thought you were going to become king by marrying me? Check again! You better turn back around and come back when you read “How To Be A Man For Dummies”.

Charming stares at the princess in annoyance. With slow steps, he walks up to her and chops her head off with his sword. Picking it up, he throws it in the air, and punts it out the window. With relief, he crashes onto the princess’s bed.

Charming: [Wipes brow] Phew, there was no way in hell I was going to stay married to that crazy ass bitch. [Takes out phone and mutters] Mmm, I see. Snow White is only five miles from here. [Pause] And she cooks and cleans? Yup, I think it’s time to pay Snow a visit.

Charming gets out of the bed and exits.

End of Scene

Copyright © Takiyah Douglas (2016) All Rights Reserved.