Ramunto’s Pizza Review

With great pizza ordering power, comes great pizza ordering responsibility. As a veritable connoisseur of the hallowed art of eating cheesy, tomato-sauce goodness, I can tell you, with any of my 5 senses whether or not a pizza has any place on this planet as anything other than compost. My figurative PhD in pizza ‘logy aside, I think I’ve made my point that I am a big fan. That said, I’m in a perpetual state of seeking out the latest and greatest establishments to sate my unfortunate addiction –seriously, send help, please.

When Ramunto’s pizza was recommended to me by a peer, I was immediately intrigued; after all, you don’t just get away with calling yourself the best without having some substance to back it up. As a dedicated warrior of the pizza-eating faction, I made it my job to order a whole pie on the same day. Naturally, the whole pie was for myself and no one else, because…research.

They say that the first bite of a meal is the most defining one. Any respectable consumer of nourishment can attest to this. Thus, I knew all that I needed to know. The second, third, and twentieth bites were merely an act of re-checking my findings, of course. An hour later and 8 slices worth of testing later, I could safely attest that I was thoroughly impressed.

The pizza slices were large enough for satisfaction, yet, not overly so to the point that it was intimidating. The topping variety and distribution was so carefully proper that I could’ve sworn my new best friends had a PhD in the geometrical applications of pizza topping-placement. The cheese was stringy but not annoyingly so, and the crust was crunchy, yet soft enough that I could stand to actually eat it. I also noticed a pleasant lack of enough grease to physically drown an adolescent. Finally, as a guy who values his health, I was very happy to find that upon finishing my meal, I felt neither guilty, nor any closer to death than I’d been before –please, send help!

Since then, I’ve made several orders and been happily satisfied. In the one –out of many- instances where I found my pizza to be lacking in accordance to what I’d come to expect, I was introduced to their excellent service, in which I immediately received an email apologizing profusely for what could have easily made the list of top ten anime betrayals and figuratively kissed the wound all better via a coupon for my next pizza purchase. The speed and quality of the response cooled my apoplectic rage from the volcanic construct of fury that it had been to something more akin to a vague feeling of settlement and I once more look forward to ordering more delicious pizza.

So, should you order Ramunto’s pizza? I think you should. I’d give it a good 8/10, at least. In accordance to the standard grading system, that’s about equal to a B. B as in beautiful; you only use the word beautiful to describe things that please you visually. We also call those tens. Thus, by the transitive property of alphabetical grading, Ramunto’s pizza is actually an A student with a perfect GPA. According to Google, Harvard University is an incredibly competitive school that requires an average GPA of 4.1 to remain. With that in mind, Ramunto’s pizza could very well be a Harvard graduate.

His parents must be so proud.

Contributed by Jordan Simon.