Ever wonder as a kid what Toy Story was really about? Torrey Kurtzner attempts to find the answer as he decodes that, and two other films from Pixar Animation Studios.

Toy Story:

A cowboy doll named Woody and a spaceman action figure named Buzz Lightyear battle for the devotion of their human master named Andy, a bratty six year who is unaware that all of his “inanimate” toys can actually walk and talk when he isn’t around.

Do the toys ever get angry that they can’t walk and talk and be alive when Andy is around? No. In reality, they’d much rather please their dominant demigod through stone cold submission rather than go on living their lives and expressing true, heartfelt emotions with one another… yikes. If you need me, I’ll be in the shower, washing away what’s left of my scarred childhood innocence.

Released in 1995, this hidden camera documentary dares to answer the age old question of what happens when children’s toys are left unattained.

Cars:

In a world where humans don’t exist, talking cars roam the streets, doing… car like things that cars would normally do when controlled by humans… like race one another, and transport goods, and drive around aimlessly… huh. This all sounds pretty lame…

But wait! There’s this one race car named Lightning McQueen, and he lives his life on the edge of the asphalt, aimlessly driving around in circles to entertain other cars who collectively park in big arenas to watch faster cars race one another, because, oh… oh no… This all sounds so… dumb.

Oh- but wait! There’s this town called Radiator Springs, and Lightning McQueen gets stranded there, and accidentally tears up the town’s main road, and the cars that live there are all like:

“You broke our road! Fix it!”

And McQueen is like:

“I don’t want to, but I’ll do it anyway to drive the plot forward!” #carpuns

And then he fixes the road, and gets to know the other cars, who are all suffering financially because no one (IE: no other cars) are driving into their town anymore to buy car shit, because those said cars are instead using a highway system to drive on aimlessly in order to quickly get to other destinations so they can… continue to drive around aimlessly…

This movie sucks ass.

Finding Nemo:

Nemo is a clownfish. His father Marlin (who is also a clownfish) is the ocean’s biggest pessimist -think Winnie the Pooh’s Eeyore on crack cocaine- though he has his reasons. After all, his wife is dead! Because, Disney.

Nemo tends to defy his father’s rules and overprotective nature, which gets his fish tail caught by an unnamed scuba diver. What an assclown of a clownfish.

Rather than celebrate the kidnapping of his prick of a son, Marlin decides to go after Nemo by teaming up with a Pacific Regal Blue Tang fish named Dory, who suffers from short-term memory loss, and who sounds a lot like television talk show host, Ellen DeGeneres.

You’d think for Marlin to team up with someone who suffers from short-term memory loss might prolong his journey of trying to find his son, and would thus make him angry and frustrated at certain times, but also, would push him to realize that he cannot be as uptight and neurotic as he normally tends to be- and you’d be right. But no worries, it’s not that long of a journey. They end up finding Nemo in like an hour and some change, thanks to the power of editing.

Released in 2003 (I was ten years old at the time), the film would go on to gross $936,743,261 worldwide, so a sequel was bound to happen sooner or later. Flash forward a swift, 13 years later, and we’re finally getting a sequel to the movie that we know and love so much. It’s called Finding Money Through Nostalgia– I mean… Finding Dory, and you can see it in theaters this summer!

I guess there really is a God. Hallelujah, and all that jazz.