Are you driven to give up all hope during the last week of school, but don’t know of any creative ways to get expelled? Torrey Kurtzner’s gotcha covered.    

It’s that time of year again, boys and girls! The last week of school before finals. A time where students collectively pull out their hair and shit their pants in unison, due to the overwhelming amounts of stress that’s within the air. It’s contagious! Even the most diligent students feel anxious during this time of year.

During these aggravating times, you might have noticed a slew of self-help articles appear online. The pieces feature tips on how to survive the last few weeks of school. While these articles might help the students who wish to succeed, they don’t suggest tips for the students who just want to throw in the towel.

Personally, I am outraged by this downright inexcusable act of intolerance towards the students who wish not to survive the last week of school. Surely, a bullshit article must be made for these unmotivated undergraduates. And that’s where I come in…

Are you driven to give up all hope during the last week of school, but don’t know of any creative ways to get expelled? Don’t worry, kids – Torrey’s gotcha covered.

1)  Develop a Cocaine Hobby

Notice how I say “hobby” and not “addiction.” The key here is to simply take enough cocaine to the point where you either:

Get caught by campus security and expelled from school

– Or –

Do something crazy during your high that will in return get you expelled from school

Now, some of you clear-minded readers, might be shouting:

“Taking cocaine and getting caught will lead to jail time! It’s not worth it!”

To those readers, I say the following:

• This article wasn’t written for your overly moral mindsets
• It’s a surefire way to get expelled and is a prime example of “throwing in the towel”
• Go fuck yourselves. I love cocaine

2)  Kill Your Roommate

You’ve put up with your roommates shit far too long this year, and payback’s a bitch. Rather than call them out on their shittness, just kill ’em! The key here is to not make the murder look like an accident. After all, you wanna get expelled. Don’t become the next O.J. Simpson.

Unsure how to make this murder traceable? Here are a few pointers:

• Kill your roommate in broad daylight and near a large group of people
• If using a murder weapon, be sure to grease it up with your finger prints

3)  Take a Shit in a Professor’s Faculty Mailbox   

Has a professor treated you like trash over the course of the semester? Maybe they’ve given you an “F” even though you tried your damnedest to pass. Or hell, maybe they just suck at teaching. Regardless, get them back by taking a shit in their faculty mailbox. Nothing says “sweet revenge” like the smell of your unsweetened shit. Surely, this act alone will get you expelled.

4)  Rototill the Entire Soccer Field

If you take the time do this right, I’m sure the college will expel your ass. And if for some reason it doesn’t work, it’ll at least get you killed by every member of the athletic staff and student body.

5)  Set the Gymnasium on Fire

Like the option before it, this will either get you expelled or it will get you killed. Choose wisely, young grasshopper.

6)  Knock Down the Water Tower

If you really want to piss people off while getting expelled, you’ll consider this option. In doing so, be sure to wear flood pants and a raincoat and have access to an umbrella.

Again, this is something you wanna make sure you’re caught doing in the act. At the very least, be sure to leave behind some sort of incriminating evidence. I suggest driving your car into the water towers foundation at top speed. Just be sure to wear a seatbelt. #SafetyFirst.

7)  Steal and Run Errands With a Campus Security Vehicle

Hell, it’s not like they use it for anything.

8)  Confront a Lazy Group Member with a Chair to the Face

What better way to get expelled then to partake in an act of defiance against that son of a bitch who wouldn’t get with the program. Now, unlike the killing your roommate option, you don’t necessarily have to kill this individual – just make sure to hurt them really, really bad.
Also, chairs are recommended, but not required. You could use a music stand, a computer, a lead pipe, etc. Feel free to improvise!