How to Survive a Horror Movie Plot in a Few Easy Steps:

It’s my favorite time of the year; October, the month of horror! During times like these, my default setting seems to be to binge-watch horror flicks, old and new… but mostly old.With that being said, most of my biggest grievances about horror movies, specifically when talking about the classics, is the consistent poor decision making of the survivor-hopefuls, which more or less allows whatever evil is trying to kill them to do so. With that in mind, I have compiled a list of helpful tips that will keep you safe in a horror movie.

• Recognize that you’re in a horror movie: The first and most important step is to first understand that you are no longer simply galavanting through your daily life. There are certain signs that you are one of, if not the main character in a horror film, and should these signs become apparent, you must act accordingly. Here are some questions you might ask yourself:

• Are you in a remote or obscure location with few, if any other people?
• Have you just moved into a new home with a dark history?
• Are your electronics working? If not, did they all go out at the same time?
• Are weird things happening that can’t be explained?

• Understand that there are rules: Once you are in a horror movie, you need to understand that there are certain guidelines that need to be followed. You’re no longer in the same world; you’re not playing the same game. There are certain rules that, if broken, will more than likely result in your immediate death or maiming.

• Never go anywhere without a buddy, especially not without the knowledge of all of the people in your group.
• Always plan an escape route any time you go into an enclosed area and cover all blind spots with the help of others.
• Look up, periodically. It will save your life.
• Avoid any and all sexual encounters for however long you are in this situation. That’s just asking to be killed.
• No in-fighting. The moment a fight breaks out amongst the group, people start splitting up and become easy pickings.
• Set a clear goal in mind. If you’re just wandering about and trying to hide, you are going to die at some point. Establish some kind of purpose for your group to work toward to facilitate your survival.
• Avoid dark rooms with blind spots. Again, that’s just asking to get picked off.
• Lastly, avoid any and all baiting into dangerous positions. If you hear someone screaming or crying in the basement, ignore it. If someone is screaming, that’s probably where the danger is, and they usually have it coming for being in the basement in the first place.

• Never EVER investigate something peculiar: This is the number one way to die in any horror scenario. If you’re driving and you see something odd at the edge of the woods, keep driving. If you see a sign that says keep out, turn yourself around and go literally anywhere else. If you notice a shady figure staring at you on your way home, go to the police station, bunk with a friend, or take a very long detour. Preferably in some kind of vehicle so you can’t just be jumped while out on a leisurely stroll. In short, make sure your potential killer can’t just follow you home and turn you into a flesh-puppet.

• Don’t eat or drink anything you haven’t prepared or seen prepared: Remember, you’re in a horror movie. You have no idea who your friends or enemies are, just yet. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to give someone the opportunity to poison you, if not as the killer, then as some wimpy wimp trying to use you as bait or a sacrifice.

• Avoid any and all suspicious objects: If your friend brings a creepy book, written in some unknown language, or dusty videotapes that he/she found in an old abandoned warehouse, burn them on the spot. And make sure to burn them somewhere that isn’t anywhere close to your place of residence. Don’t watch or read them; don’t even open them or put them in any kind of electronic. Put on gloves, take the dang thing, and burn it in a different country, or something. Then, bury the ashes so they can’t travel with the wind back to your home to take revenge. Be thorough, and most importantly, be sure to smack your idiot friend for almost killing you both.

• Don’t be a hero: If by some chance you happen to hear anguished screaming coming from an enclosed area with little to no lighting, understand that there is something in there, doing that. Do yourself a favor and realize that even if you won’t already be too late, we humans are, on average, rather squishy and vulnerable. Call the police, inform them of the issue and let them do their job. Then hightail it home and go to bed happy that you’re currently not having your flesh flayed from your bones.

Lastly,

Use common sense and trust your gut: I know this seems like a given, but it needs to be said. If your everything is screaming at you to not do something, it’s probably your survival instinct telling you you’re about to die. Do yourself the mother of all solids and trust that. Don’t walk through that dark alley under the pretense of a ‘shortcut’. If you’re being chased throughout your house, don’t run up the freaking stairs where there is no escape. And do not, DO NOT lock yourself in a room, expecting the killer to not find a way in. Arm yourself with something sharp, pointy, and preferably with reach, and make your way to wherever help is like a reasonably intelligent human being.

Also if you hide under the bed, you genuinely deserve to die.